This waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep is getting very annoying. I could go back to taking a pill, yes, but I don't want to go back on medication. I want to get my body back into a natural cycle. Take a pill to go to sleep and feel slow and muzzy in the morning, or don't take a pill and get only 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I'm going to continue not taking the pill for a while longer. See what happens.

So, this morning's wake up time was just after 3 a.m. I stayed in bed until about 4 but was so restless that I finally had to get up. At least I got my dishes washed and kitchen floor swept. Then I had to decide whether or not to get on the good old computer or read my book. Then there is the decision as to whether or not to write on the blog, play computer games, or connect to work and get some of that done.

I'm not going to connect to work this morning. I'm tired of putting in all the extra hours, and I don't know how I'm going to take off the ones I've built up already.

Oh well.

My course will start in a couple of weeks. Having second thoughts. Of course I do this every time I take a course. Really don't know why I'm bothering since retirement is in 2 years. But it will be nice to say that I have completed a degree, when I'm surrounded by people who have multiple degrees.

But who knew when I was failing in high school that I am academically inclined? Damn those bullies. Shame on me for not standing up for myself.

stuff from Sunday

I had intended to do laundry today, even though I have enough underwear for another week and a half. Mainly because it was going to be a warm and sunny day with a nice breeze. But when I got up, I just didn't feel like it. So I drank a big cup of coffee while reading my latest book. Then I made a couple of cards.

I got the notice from Sears that my order was in. I called a friend with a car and asked if she could run me up there. There is no bus service in Fredericton on Sundays. Small city. Always hurting for money, they say. Coincidentally, Jude also had a package at Sears, so we drove up after lunch. My packages consisted of the missing mini blind that for some strange reason was sent back from the 5 that I'd ordered. No one knows why. Plus the other 5 panels for the windows. I had thought I would just need one panel per window, but when I'd got the first blind up and put up the rod and curtain, it just looked unfinished unless it was pulled across. So I ordered 5 more. Mini blinds are white and the curtains are off-white sheers with pale olive and tan ferns on them. With my huge boston fern in the corner, it really makes the room come together. The rods are brushed pewter with round knobs on the ends that have - you guessed it, ferns on them!

I really like how the back porch is going to look - I've been using it as my living room for over a year, but since the apartment building went up on the street behind me, I have no privacy once the leaves are off the trees. I had roll up bamboo blinds, but they were a pain in the butt to put up and down and really gave little privacy at night since there was as much space between slats as there were slats. I took them off when I put the plastic up last fall and never put them back up. Kijiji, here I come! (It takes me a while to actually take action.)

I've got one window finished, sort of. I have to re-think how I'm putting the blinds up. It is a little low on the window frame, so I can't put the centre support hanger on, which means it is sagging a bit. But to get the rod support on for the curtain rod on the window frame as well, I had to put the blind lower down. I'm afraid to attach the rod hardware to the drywall, even with the plastic drywall thingies because I don't trust the drywall to actually hold the rods with all the pulling closed and opening of the sheers. I probably should have gone with rod pocked flat rods, but I fell in love with the rods and ball ends.

Of course we didn't just go to Sears. Jude wanted to go to Beauclaire to look at curtains for her front porch, I wanted to go to PetSmart for kitty litter, and then we had to go to Winners (of course). I bought an olive blouse and a couple of other small items, including three stocking stuffers. I do love shopping for Christmas all year round!

Then home again and supper. Then another card made and a couple more chapters read.

Then, surprise of all surprises, a phone call from my friend Dorothy in Pugwash. Dorothy started out as an employer (horse stall mucker outer and babysitter as a teenager - stories for another time), then became a sort of second mum, and finally morphed into a sort of sister. There is 20 years between us, but that makes no difference at all. I think I will have to rent a car one weekend this fall and drive down to see her. She will not be around for ever. We actually haven't talked since Christmas. It was good to catch up on family news.

Time for a shower, and then I'm going to curl up with my book until time for bed.

A lovely day.

Since I posted about Mum, I've also been thinking back to Dad, and how he affected my life. He died March 5, 1998. He had been sick for quite a while, but I didn't know how sick until Lorrie called me and told me to come home if I wanted to see him before he died. I flew home the next day, and a friend of David and Lorrie's picked me up at the airport and drove me to the hospital, but he had died about 1/2 before I got there. I didn't recognize him - he was so small in that bed, and I remember him as a big burly man. I tried to call mum at home - she had gone home with a migraine - but I guess she had turned the phone down. Then I went back and just sat in the room at the end of the bed, outside the curtain. I just closed my eyes and started to think about him and what he had given me, all the times he had lent me money when I needed it, supported my decisions, and had just been there as a quiet support when I needed him, and I felt his presence. It was like he was standing there listening to me talk to him and when I thanked him for being my dad, and being there for me, I saw him nod his head, smile, and then he just faded away. To this day, I think he knew I was coming and he waited for me. I love you Dad. I miss you.

When I was taking the Adult Education course on Mentoring, I came to the realization that Dad had been a significant mentor in my life.

Whenever I was in a crisis point, it was Dad who helped me through. In his quiet, unexcitable way, he got to the crux of the matter, and supported me in my decisions. Even when he didn't understand them, or didn't really agree. I remember him telling me that I was always responsible for my on actions and would have to accept the consequences. But that everything that I did also reflected on the family. And that has stayed with me and has influenced my decisions on many occasions.

He also told me that I should never let other people make my decisions for me, to stand true to my beliefs, and to stand my ground when I knew I was right. That hasn't always been the case, but is more in my life now than when I was younger.

When there was an argument in the family, or some crisis or another, and tempers were up, voices raised, Dad would just sit quietly in the midst of chaos. If asked for his opinion, he never gave one. But would often say, "It's not as bad as the North Atlantic in winter." That really puts things in perspective.

Dad was a merchant marine in the British Merchant Navy and during WWII, he spent many trips on convoys between New York and Mermansk in Russia, taking supplies to the Allies. The North Atlantic in a storm could have huge waves. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dYpeakBYkY as an example.

He was one of the most honest men I've ever met, and he was a man of his word. He could also have no patience for what he considered foolishness, and really didn't have a lot of patience with people.

He spent a lot of time "in his head." He wasn't social or gregarious, but once you got him into a social setting, he would enjoy himself.

I remember him teaching me how to do the two-step, and dancing around the kitchen table to the radio. At my prom, he dance with me so much that my date and mom had to cut in to get time on the dance floor! He loved music, especially Gilbert and Sullivan. We had a set of records with a book that had all the words to all of the musicals, and we would sit in the living room and follow along. Neither of us could really sing, but we enjoyed ourselves. I gave him a record on Christmas, the Beatles done by the Hollywood Strings Orchestra. You should have seen his face! He didn't like "modern" music (we are talking the 60s here), but he was polite. At least it wasn't a bag of Licorice Allsorts! Then, one day he listened to it. I don't know if he put it on, or I did, but after he listened to about half of it, he turned to me and said, "Those boys know how to write music!" High praise, indeed.

Mum told the story of how when they were in Zanzibar and they had guests over, they would be sitting on the screened veranda, and dad would play the guitar. He didn't strum, but played all the notes. After he had been playing for a while, they could look out into the garden, and they could see a multitude of eyes in the ground cover. It was frogs, come to listen to the music too! Apparently, dad played the violin when he was a boy, but gave that up and took up the guitar when he joined the Merchant Marine.

I have his papers from when he joined. It is a big certificate, and it says "Indentured Apprentice"on it. Amazing - he couldn't quit I guess, if he didn't like it. It has the list of the ships he served on written on the back. Not all of them, but I guess the ones he served on until he fulfilled his contract.

Dad didn't talk much about himself. Mum was the one who actually told most of the stories about him. He never bragged about anything.

10 August 2013 meanderings

Well, I'm not very good at this blogging stuff. As any one can see who actually finds my blog. Today has been bright and sunny, but windy and only about 22 - 24 celsius. It is a nice change after all the rain we have been having.

The yard is doing well, and since the city took out 3 trees on the edge of my yard, the sunshine is welcome. Most of the early flowers are done now. The fancy day lilies in the back of the yard are almost finished, but they get less sun which must prolong them. The oriental lilies are finished, the star gazers too, and the maltese cross and evening primroses are over as well. The golden glow is just starting, but the rain has knocked some of them down. I keep meaning to tie them up, but never do. They have really taken off this year.

The ferns at the back are crowding into the hostas. They have really taken off since we put the bark mulch down. I planted 2 ostrich fern roots about 10 years ago and now have about 20 at least. The hostas are of course doing well. I'd like to dig up a foot or so of sod on the other side of the house and plant hostas along there. I think it would look great, and would help by not having to weed wack along the foundation. Anything to keep from having to mow. The front garden up by the sidewalk is wonderful - old fashioned daylilies, ribbon grass, spirea bushes, shasta daisies, sneeze weed, columbine, creeping phlox, creeping thyme, rose campion, coreopsis, lung wort, and coral bells, just to name a few, all crowded together with "weeds" like purple clover and vetch.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I was invigilating exams today, despite it being Saturday. But you help a friend in need, and neither Colleen nor Barb could do it. I thought I'd lost the big one from the states, but they sent me an email and said it was back on track. Nice piece of money for a couple of days! It certainly helps me to do the invigilating that I do - gives me walking around money and I have an opportunity to read a book for 2-3 hours while monitoring one to 3 people.

I got convinced to apply for my BED (Adult Education) and do the Preparing for Prior Learning Assessment course this fall. With that and the portfolio, all I have left to get my degree are 3 more courses. I thought it was more than that, which was why I had decided not to do any more after finishing the certificate. But they have transferred all of my Arts credits as well as the Geology and Biology courses, and added to the Certificate courses, I'm almost there. But I have to say that the two-year rest from course work has been good. I'm glad I took the time and enjoyed reading for pleasure for a change.

The annoying cat from the street behind is back today. He is a young male, barely a year old, and he is not fixed. He comes over here to spray, annoy my cats, and hunt my birds. I've already sent the owners a message that if they don't keep him in their own yard I'm going to take him to the SPCA. The cat from next door is fine. He's fixed, and just likes to lie on my deck, under the table for shade and drink out of the plant saucers. He doesn't bother Lizzie and Zoe at all.

They are doing well. At the last vet visit, they were given a clean bill of health and I was told that theirs were the cleanest teeth Shannon had seen in months. It is that Oral Care from Science Diet. I give it to them as treats, so the scarf it right down, thinking they are special!

Baked a really neat bread today - it has half a cup of cocoa powder in it. Very interesting! I like it a lot.

Baking bread again. I go through cycles, hardly ever baking it in the summer. It is a cold weather activity, for sure. Right now, I'm into a wonderful oatmeal bread recipe. There is no fat, and only a teaspoon of honey, lots of rolled oats, unbleached flour, and steel cut oatmeal. Very yummy.

So while it is starting it's second rise, I'm hard boiling eggs for the potato salad I'm going to make. I've already mixed up the salmon and will head out to the store shortly to pick up some coleslaw. Not only do I like coleslaw for itself, but I really like it in sandwiches and wraps with salmon, or egg, tuna, or the like. I like to put things together on Sundays to take for lunches during the week. Too expensive to eat out every day.

Since I wrote about Mum the other day, I've been thinking about Dad. Next post will be my thoughts on him, and our relationship. Quite different from mine with Mum.

Celebrating Mum

Yesterday was the first anniversary of my mother's death. She died March 8, 2011, and would have been 92 in June 2011. I miss her.

We became such good friends in the last 20 years of her life. She would phone me almost every Sunday morning before she went to church, and we would mostly talk about the little things. She would tell me what news she knew of people in the village, what she had had to eat for supper (or breakfast), describe the new quilt the group was working on, the latest news of our far-flung family - just the little things of a comfortable life.

One time, she told me that she thought Mr. --- was flirting with her at cards. I asked her if she felt complimented, but she said no, it made her uncomfortable. Dad had been dead for several years, and she said that though she missed him, she had no intention of getting involved with another man. She was quite enjoying her singleness and her independence.  Then a couple of weeks later, she told me that Mr. --- and rejected her for a younger woman. She was laughing because he was in his late 70s and when he found out she was 83, he "dumped me for a young woman in her 60s!" We had a good chuckle over that.

She considered me a safe person to talk to and if something was bothering her, she would tell me about it. She trusted me to keep it to myself. Sometimes she would feel hurt because of something someone said to her, and she would need to get it off her chest. Other times it might be a worry she had and we would talk it out.

I guess it was in July that the phone rang on a Sunday morning and my first thought was, "There's mum." Then realized that I would never get another Sunday morning call from her. That hit me hard. But I think that was when I finally accepted that she was gone. I still think of her a lot, but in fond memory, not grief.

Mum was involved and engaged in the church, the village, Women's Institute, quilting, knitting, reading, playing cards, and she loved to watch the news and BBC comedy shows. She had to give up beloved flower garden because of her knees (both had been replaced) and really missed growing her glads. I brought some of her daffodils that had naturalized back to plant in my garden. She loved flowers. Connie and I would send her a bouquet every birthday and Christmas. She would keep the bouquet alive as long as possible, pulling out the dead flowers and rearranging the others to fill the gap. With the Christmas bouquet, she would still have all of the greenery, bow and ornaments sitting on the coffee table months later!

Mum was the communicator in the family. She wrote letters to friends and relatives all over the world. None of her children have that gene! I remember how frustrated she would get with Dad after he retired. She was used to sitting down at the kitchen table after he had left for work, pushing the dishes aside, and writing 2 or 3 letters before she cleaned up the dishes from breakfast. When Dad retired, as soon as breakfast was done, he was up and nudging her to clear the table, wash the dishes while he dried, and get going on the day's activities. He always helped with the chores, washing & drying the dishes, helping with the vacuuming, etc., but it messed up mum's routines! It took a while before they settled into routines that suited them both.

Mum was also adventurous, always ready for a trip somewhere, even if it was a drive out to see the fall colours from Covy Hill. I surprised her with a road trip a few years ago. I arranged in secret with friends and relatives in Ottawa and Toronto to put us up. Then I arrived at her door with a rented car. She actually didn't recognize me for a moment - she says it is because she was not expecting me! She was so excited when I told her that we were hitting the road in the morning, and would be driving around for eight days. It was a great time for both of us. I wish now that I had been able to do every year.

Mum's 90th birthday:

In the year 2000, David and Lorrie, with some long distance help from me and Connie, arranged a 90th Birthday Party for Mum. We rented the Presbyterian church hall, bought food, and sent out a village invitation. Mum was so pleased with that day. So many people came out to celebrate with us. People brought cards, flowers, and two cakes. The special cake had a "quilt block" on the top made with fondant icing. Mum wouldn't let anyone eat it! She kept it for several weeks, eating one diamond every once in a while until it was gone.

I made a book through the iPhoto service with Apple to celebrate the day. I actually made 2 books, each a different format, and sent both to her with the instruction to pick the one she like best, and I'd keep the other. She never could decide which one she liked best, and informed me she was keeping them both, and I could have the one I wanted after she died!

Love you Mum.