Tomorrow is the first day of classes at UNB. My course starts. Why do I do this to myself when I don't need to? Why do I always feel the need to prove myself? Why do I always think I can't do this? Who am I do think I can do well at University? Where is my self-confidence given my gpa? The questions are endless. The baggage is heavy and constant. I am so used to dragging it around and at the same time pretending it doesn't exist. I seem to be able to put it down on occasion, but in reality, it is still attached. It is like it is on a long cord, and brings me to a screeching halt when I least expect it.

I know I can do the academic stuff. But I also know I like to learn at my own pace, my own interest, and if I don't find something interesting, I can walk away really easily. We will see about this one.

Back to the questions: A learning portfolio that will give me credits toward a degree in Adult Education? Really? What the heck have I done in my life that can give me PLA credits towards a degree? Everyone says of course you can do it. I have my doubts. Of course I do. Even as I look at the grades I've already obtained, I have my doubts.

Sigh.

Kelp Dreams

I dream.

Kelp brushes against my skin.

Diving deep, deep
away from light
      down, down, into
             a darkness
                    shot with iridescence.

Gleaming creatures
flow and dance,
       moved by the whim
               of a twirling earth.

They feed me—satisfy me.

                         Diving high, high
                 towards the light
         up, up, into
a brightness
shot with iridescence.

                       Gleaming waters
                heaving and restless
splashing over
and around me.

They feed me—bring me joy.

           Kelp brushes against my skin.

                                                    I dream.